Expressions

Am i happy the way i am?

Honestly i am not.

I've been rather caustic at work this past couple of weeks. All the angst swells from a source which i do not even know about. a minor mistake by other could cause me to kick up a big fuss. Am i expecting too much of others? hmm. Maybe im just expecting too much of myself.

Its sad to see your world just blatantly falling apart no matter how hard you try to piece it nicely on the facade. Its hard to just let things go and say "lets forgive and forget". Its painful when you feel that there seems to be no one out there who would really support you and bring you through.

"He's an angry person", some may say. "He's just being an asshole; he thinks he is the best; who does he think he is". Words may not have been said but it can certainly be felt. Maybe no one even had that even thought abt it, and its jus the conscience speaking. i honestly do not know how i've come to this point, where even i myself feel my "headstrong-ness" in many situations yet i could not help it. Its come to a point where i force myself to be independent, and not be dependent on others for company. its come to a point where i feel that even if i died, people may not even really notice the loss of me(its ok, im not suicidal).

i haven talked to God for the past 6mths since duno when. He jus feels so far, so distant. "God is jus a prayer away" most people will say, but i jus cant bring myself to this state. I could say that i have lost faith in God, but a phrase remains ingrained in me, is that "God never left you, have you left him?" Most likely i have lost faith in myself. The faith that i could stand up and say that "i could do all things through Christ".

"I want you to feel guilty". This six words have haunted me for the past 4 mths. no matter how hard i tried to forget, n matter how i tried to bury myself in my work, no matter how hard i tried to PREtend that all was well, these words stalked me, hunted me, as the phrase goes "you can run but you can't hide". Amidst those times, everyone was on the other side of the river. i had to stand alone. i had to overcome on my own. i had to carry all the burden on myself, i WILL carry all of it on my own, i have to, cos i dont want to feel that regret or guilt. yes i have to do it alone, and walk this path on my own, i do not need other people, or do i?

Everyday seems like a get torn down again and again.

hmm. stop here i shall.

i did not do this to seek pity, i will not say i wont need ur pity, i just covet ur prayers.
to those whom i've offended with my words, and actions, i sincerely apologise and would like your forgiveness.