Move on?

Well its been awhile since i blogged. It has just struck me these couple of days that its already the month of May. Another month and we'll be halfway through the year. How time flies. Certainly, the past year and beginning of this year had its fair share of ups and downs.

I been questioning myself on what i want, my goals, my existance on this earth. Wad am i here for? So many things have jus happened. So many questions. So many burdens. I emotionally feel it. I psychologically feel it. i even physically feel it. Each step each day seems to weigh even heavier than the day before.

Church now contains no more or very little meaning for me. To me, i just "help out" in the way i can such as playing the guitar. Gone is the strive to play fully unto God. Attending service seems more like an obligation than a joy. Worship songs have become jus mere words with subtle meanings.

I question why isnt there anyone to come and pick me up. i question why isnt there someone who seems to want to raise me up to a greater height like in the past. i question whether does the problem lie with them, or is it jus really me? Why are the numbers dwindling? Why does there seem to be a disatisfaction in the people? So is it them, or is it jus ourselves who plainly doesnt seem to want to move our sorry asses forward? What's the key between THEN and NOW?

I used to find this motivation from deep within. A serious passion to do things. I was guided. I was built up. I was motivated. But jus a short moment, everything fell apart. I was literally left helpless. Few came forth. Almost none actually.

And when i thought i was ready to let go and try to press on, i was pushed back yet again, met with a phrase "i didn't know how to handle you". Yes, i made a choice that i'll step out. After that, nothing else came forth. No actions were taken, no words were spoken to me. What i jus saw was like the waves from the sea, slowly washing away the sand on the beach. What had meant something to me before, was gone.

Its tough to face up that, after a particular incident, you see the other party being raised up to a greater height, and you are jus left there standing. argh.

Im tired of all the facades. Im tired of all this shit. I want it to end. I want to get rid of the burden that i carry everyday. I want to be renewed... but how? How... A change in focus? A change in environment? I dont know. Sigh.

This thought jus came to mind. "What is your pursuit of Happyness?" Hmm.

End here i shall.
Someone help me pls?